books, reading

A Travelling American

Travel, whether for work or for pleasure, can be a chore. Away from your home, your family, your normal routines, you focus on where you are and how to fill the time. Especially if you are waiting in a crowded airport when your plane is delayed.  In this current trip, uncomfortably still on crutches, going through security I realized my ereader, just updated with four new titles, remained safely in the docking station in my home office. Travelling with only work equipment, I scramble to download something to read that will download to my personal phone. It is in this frame of mind that I started to read An American Marriage by Tayari Jones.

The title is a bit misleading – while this chronicles the story of a marriage, it is actually a study in the strengths and limits of love, in all different shapes and forms.  The story begins with Roy and Celestial. By mapping out the relationship by way of different perspectives, you see that these two have entered marriage with different expectations. They play at being married, sparring over everything, and not truly understanding the “communion” of the institution. Both come from homes based upon second chances, surrounded full of love and commitment. Then the scary reality of being a black man in the wrong place at the wrong time, the pair is forced to face the hardship of a forced but unjust separation.

As the years go by, life charges on. Trying to survive on the promise of dreams, finding strength within oneself to pursue them alone, and realizing the foundation of the marriage was not as strong as expected changes both. The stories told from both perspectives bring the realization that the base of the marriage was lacking, provoking guilt, grief and denial at different times.

These same revelations are shown when the stories turn to the parents. Big Roy and Olive were entirely devoted to each other. Olive had been through the passion and came through the fire alone with her son. When she met Roy, after making it clear it was a package deal, they made a commitment to each other. And the devotion continued to be shown each day until the last, when Big Roy made sure that Olive was buried by the one who loved her most, filling in the grave himself. Similarly, Celestial’s parents came together after they met when he was married to someone else. Another father devoted to the new family he built on a firm foundation – symbolized by the old hickory tree in the yard.

And then there is the love between a parent and a child. Big Roy fully embracing Little Roy; Andre embraced by Mr Henderson, Little Roy and the Biological, and even Dre and his father. Even if people leave, that does not mean they don’t care. Spoiler – finding out that Olive gives up the fight once she realizes there is someone taking care of her son was very different from the belief that Big Roy had once he hear Celestial told Olive the Biological was watching over Little Roy.

Stereotypes would be easy to fall back upon here, but the depth of these characters and the basic understanding of the underlying social injustice for the black community runs below the surface of the story. Paralleled in the river where Roy goes each day to contemplate, the river of injustice can be heard if you listen closely. The reality of it being there, always under the bridge to elsewhere, is the current running through each story. This is a most powerful image – the current remains, even if there is a bridge over it, you can’t always take it to the other side, just as The Hick is a metaphor for a marriage.

This book still surprises me as I process it. Very powerful, and beautifully written.

books, reading

June a month for weddings and family dysfunction

Families are complex organisms.  As Tolstoy stated in Anna Karenina “All happy families are alike; each unhappy family is unhappy in its own way.”  And unhappy in its own way usually brings an excellent story, although today I will not be delving into Tolstoy.

This week I read Family and Other Catastrophes by Alexandra Borowitz.  An anxiety-ridden daughter, Emily, flies from San Francisco to New York’s suburbs for their wedding weekend.  Her fiancé’s family is not far from her own, making it the right decision for them.  Over the course of the week, Emily is forced to endure “family therapy” administered by her mother the psychologist to address “lack of gratitude the siblings have for their parents.”  Brother Jason, a newly divorced playboy has returned to his childhood home, and sister Lauren, the militant feminist, political correct sister with her son Ariel and partner Matt are also residing there.  These two siblings agree, because the parents have taken them in.  Emily agrees to simply keep the peace.

Throughout the novel’s interior/exterior conversations, as the protagonist changes with each chapter, you not only see the truth in each person’s real existence, but they start to view themselves though a looking glass instead of a funhouse mirror.  Each person, starting with Emily’s mother’s passive aggressive need to be at the center of attention, Lauren breastfeeding her 3 year old son, keeping him co-sleep with his parents as a means of avoiding intimate contact between her and Matt, Jason’s on the make lines that go nowhere.

Please note, however, that David’s family is not left out on the dysfunction.  With a stepmother that is very pleasant, but not all there, and a father that is distant, David is in no way like his brother, Nathan, who lives in his father’s basement playing video games, stalking women while believing to be “protecting” them with his chivalry.  Add to it the stress of trying to be the next big something in tech, organizing a wedding, and the stress levels keep elevating.

Sounds a bit like most families – right?  Maybe not the specifics of who does what, but the stress of expectations, eagerness to please, and fear of what might be are universal.  What family isn’t going through a bit of growing pains now that the school year has finished?  Kids are moving up a grade and expect huge changes in their world because of this. Even though they are still the same age as they were the day before. We all need to keep our heads on, remember the big picture and treat each other with kindness and acceptance.

One by one, we all come to terms with who we are at the core.  Jason makes peace with his ex-wife Christina; Lauren admits to Matt she doesn’t love him; Matt leaves when the answer was not what he wanted, and Nathan finally finds a friend.  And at the core, a family that tries to protect each other, even when not liking each other too much.   Emily, viewed as the broken one has found David.  He finds her broken in places that he understands, and she is able to help him with his wounds.  Together they confront the fears and move forward.

Like a real family, it is messy and can be cruel, but in the end, they show who they really are and pull through like you never expected.

book-review, books, memoir, Non-Fiction, reading

Happy Father’s Day

I never had a pet, besides goldfish, until I got married. I married a man who was totally devoted to his 2 cats, which I was allergic to. We agreed that since they were 8 years old, we would keep them and then be a pet free family. 5 years of immuno-therapy, daily doses of allegra, advair and the more than occasional hit of ibuterol, and the cats were still going strong. We lost Amanda at the age of 18, and Jessica was a faithful companion for 21 years.
That was 2013.

My husband and children went into mourning, but also started a subtle war of hints. Finally, in the spring of 2014 I was persuaded to go to a shelter, on the context of donating the litter and food we had left, and take a peek at the kittens. There my husband fell in love with Pistol Annie. Within minutes of me touching her, however, I began to wheeze. That was when my husband’s dream of adding to his cat history ended. That was also the day he became determined to convince me to get an “allergy free” dog.

For Father’s day, I read the memoir of the best friend any dad could have – Marley & Me by John Grogan. John and his new wife Jenny start their life together, kill a plant and then decide to adopt a dog to practice before having kids. They fall in love with a yellow lab, whom they named Marley. Marley stories from puppy-hood through adulthood, and all the changes that the family went through over that time, are chronicled in honest and loving detail, including the story when the dog was so terrified of thunder that he ripped apart a door to get in from the garage, through plaster and all. Not sugar coated, but told with love.

As most pet stories end, they are gone well before we are ready. This tribute to the dog, what he taught and what he took, reminds us all of the undying love and devotion, selflessness, and fun they play in shaping our lives.

Happy Father’s day – and thank you for providing all your undying love and devotion to us, your family.