feelings – The Source 4 Books

_{In the United States, this was a week to be Thankful. With so much going on in the world today, it is good that we stop and look to see where we have come from.}

_{This is the case when a Brother Juniper, a Franciscan monk, witnesses The Bridge of San Luis Rey collapse in 1714, killing 5 people but saving himself from crossing at that exact moment. Believing his escape was based upon Divine Intervention of God, Brother Juniper strives to capture the fullness of each person’s lives that were lost to prove that he was saved by God. In doing this, he examines the relationship and choices of these individuals, one at a time. The first to be examined is}_{Doña María, the Marquesa de Montemayor. An old woman, described as ugly, is estranged and distant from her daughter, Clara, in Spain. Letters were the only way these two women could communicate to each other, because of the distance in spirit and in proximity. Doña Maria takes on a companion, Pepita, who is not happy with her new role. She writes to the Abbess, from the convent she was at when chosen as a companion, of how miserable she is. Dona Maria finds this, and realizes that Pepita is brave in a way she is not, and the letters to Clara become more polished, so much so that they are studied in schools centuries later.}

_{Estaban and Manuel, twins at the same convent that Pepita was at, also had a close relationship with the Abbess. She helped raise them, teaching them to be scribes, which led Manuel to meet and fall in love with Camila Perichole. Manuel, however, is cut on his leg, and while Estaban is following directions to clean it hourly, the pain makes Manuel curse his brother. After he dies from the infection, when asked which he was, he answered Manuel. The guilt and loss make him do crazy things, such as trying to kill himself. While he was not successful, he was on his way to buy a present for the Abbess when the bridge collapsed.}

_{Lastly, Uncle Pio and Jamie, the confidant and son respectively of Camila Perichole, come down from the place she has hidden herself away after being scared by smallpox. Uncle Pio had hoped to bring the boy back to the world and prepare him for a future away from his mother.}

_{As Brother Juniper examines each, ultimately making a “scorecard” for the souls that were lost. He comes to no conclusion, but faithfully put his account to paper. It is found to be heresy, and both the book and the Franciscan are burned.}

_{After the funerals for those that had fallen, Camila Perichole seeks out the Abbess to see how she can live without Uncle Pio and Jamie. She becomes a helper for the Abbess as she begins to let go of her grand hopes for continuity. Clara also returns and works with the Abbess.}_{The novel ends with the Abbess’s observation: “There is a land of the living and a land of the dead and the bridge is love, the only survival, the only meaning.”}

_{So on this thanksgiving weekend, the only meaning that remains is Love.}

I have just returned home from dropping my kids at camp. They are gone for the next four weeks. I am home with the dog, but the house is so silent. I miss them so much. I also am relieved that I have the house to myself for now to try and finally get it cleaned and organized. As parents are dropping their children off, there are so many emotions swirling, you never know what to feel. The first day for me is always the hardest – I miss them, but feel guilty that I don’t miss them enough. It was in this state of mind that I finished Alice Hoffman’s Faithful.

At its core, this is a story of what happens in the blink of an eye. One action sends waves of reactions that are irrevocable and life changing. That is what happens when Shelby crashes the car, and her best friend Helene is damaged beyond repair. Carrying that guilt, Shelby breaks down mentally, and is brought back by the love of her mother and messages sent to her on postcards. These postcards seem to know what she is thinking and feeling. And they help her survive.

If this is what you call surviving. As Shelby learns how to be in the world again, and allows herself to let people into her life, she takes small steps, with Ben Mink, and larger steps, first with stray dogs she “liberates” from a homeless man, then Maravelle and then Maravelle’s children. As each person makes their way into her life, the protective coating she has created begins to wear thin. And she begins to care about other people. When she takes her first steps to choose someone, she makes a mistake with Harper Levy, but learns from this. All along she feels that she gets what she deserves.

As she continues to make a way toward finding herself, she finds a passion, taking care of animals, and commits to it. She comes to peace with her mother, who protected her as best she could during the hardest times, and learned that she was someone’s everything – something she never thought she was worth. And she finds James – the writer of the postcards.

The story is a journey of forgiveness to yourself. While Maravelle and her kids don’t believe she needs that, it is ultimately Teddy who hears her story due to his pain. And while Ben can’t understand the pain, he tried to be there, but never really understood. James, however, lived that pain everyday.

Ultimately what this story told me was that we are our own harshest critic, the least forgiving and the most vicious. If we could be as kind to ourselves as Helene’s father was to Shelby when she came to say goodbye, it would be a must less self-destructive world.

And so, I will not feel badly for being glad my children are in their happy places, even if that is defined as somewhere without me. I will embrace the strength I have given them to know they can venture out safely, that I am always here for them to come home to.

Tag: feelings

Thankfulness, over San Luis Rey

While the kids are at camp, I feel…..