A woman is no man

A woman is no man by Etaf Rum

Regardless of what religion or nationality, there is a universal truth – women are victims of violence.

In too many cultures women are not valued for anything other than to cook, clean and procreate. This is true in middle-eastern, eastern and western civilizations. These is no corner of this earth that has not been dominated by men, and women are taught on some level of consciousness that they are inferior. There are cultures that adhere more to this belief, and enforce this rigorously. The number of women that are being beaten each day into submission is staggering. The fact that is it accepted as normal and supported by other women is a sad truth to how far the lessons of low worth are ingrained to the communities. This remains true, regardless of the work women have been making in the last century. Books like The Pearl That Broke its Shell, Big Little Lies, Girl on the Train, Black and Blue, and so many more continue to tell these tales. These books cover the world (Afghanistan, Australia, England, and United Stated) and are only a small sample of a much broader and enduring problem. Etaf Rum’s A Woman Is No Man is the story of a Palestinian woman’s life in these circumstances.

In Palestine, an Arab girl named Isra is brought up in her mother’s kitchen, learning to cook and clean. At 17 she is married to a man she meets once and is take to America – Brooklyn – to be his wife. With no money, no connections, and not able to leave the house unaccompanied, Isra works to ensure she does not besmirch her family’s name by doing what is expected.

As the story unfolds, it alternates between Isra’s voice and her daughter Deya’s 18 years later. Deya is about to graduate high school and her grandmother, who is raising her after her parents die in a car accident, is insisting she make a match so she will not continue to be a burden to the family, as girls always are.  Deya receives a letter with a card to contact a familiar figure that she can’t place. As Deya’s quest to find answers brings more questions, we are all faced with the limitations of what we set on ourselves as options.

As the story progresses, we learn of Isra’s fading hopes for love and connection and of the growing violence against her by her husband, of her growing despair and depression, and of her mother in law’s insistence that bruises be covered from other’s eyes. We also learn of Deya’s memories of her mother’s sadness and of her fears that not all was right, of Deya’s fear of being pushed into marriage and inability to continue to learn.

We learn that Deya doesn’t share her memories with her younger sisters to save them from pain. We also learn of other secrets that are kept that are meant to reduce other’s perceived pain.  We learn of choices made in the hope of saving face, in the hope of protecting others, in the hope of convincing yourself, in the hope of being loved.

In the end, we are all exposed for doing these things. Are we complicit if we don’t act against it? How often are we afraid that our actions will make things worse? Or that we are overreacting to something that was not as it seemed.  Etaf Rum has pulled the curtains back on what is largely unspoken inside and outside the Palestinian culture – in the US and abroad. The courage to write of this taboo topic and shameful reality of too many from every background reminds us that by not finding our own voice, question our choices, and think through consequences, the result will perpetuate the pain for others. We must not be complicit in allowing this to continue. We must find the strength to break the cycle of violence.