Category: Middle Eastern

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Fencing with the King by Diana Abu-Jaber

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This story is a fictional telling of a family from the middle east, with roots throughout the region. The author starts and ends the book with assurances that the story, while similar to her family’s, is a true fictional tale.

As the story opens, Amani and her father are at an exhibition of falconers for the King of Jordan’s 60th birthday. Falcons had been used by the Bedouins to hunt as they migrated throughout the middle east. These falcons have become symbols of good luck, excellence and inner strength. They are seen as spiritual messengers, asking you to pay attention to your intuition and focus on what is important.  They remind you to look at things from a different perspective and forgive yourself for your past. Being on the alert for possibilities, to be decisive in decisions and actions, and to adapt to change are especially important to the context of the story. These lead the way into the heart of Amani’s story.

Amani is a woman living in two cultures – America of her birth and upbringing, and Jordan of her ancestry. Her father Gabriel (Gabe) came to America by chance to work with his hands in carpentry and construction, while his brothers stayed in Jordan. His older brother Hafez has become a trusted adviser of the King of Jordan after studying in Syracuse, NY. He has risen in power and is in charge of arranging the King’s 60th birthday celebrations. He asks his brother Gabe to return to the land of his birth after 40 years to reprise his role as fencing partner to the King. Gabe does not want to return, but his daughter Amani wants to return to learn more about her grandmother, whom she has been told she resembles by all in the family. She persuades him by with a letter she finds from her grandmother.

Amani and Gabe stay at his brother Farouq’s guest home. Her cousin Omar becomes a close confidant. As she searches for answers about her grandmother, you see she is enamoured with Hafez. He and his wife try to take her in hand as if she were their heir. But when Amani begins asking questions, they put her off. Unknown to Amani, Hafez has ulterior motives for asking Gabe to come. Hafez believes that a family heirloom knife that his father gave to Gabe should be his and has asked that it be brought on the trip for him to see it one more time. The more complicated reason is not revealed until later in the story.

As the falcon introduction suggested, Amani comes to accept her past and looks to her own future. She searches for the family’s past, and is able to find joy and forgiveness in doing so. It also brings truth to the family and consequences for the person that started the family down a dark path. 

Throughout this family story are facts about those that settle in Jordan – and what makes a real Jordanian. It outlines the refugees from the Ottoman empire to the present, including the fact that the King was selected by the French. It is with true compassion that these are facts interwoven in the story but not used to accuse anyone person or culture.

This was a truly beautiful book about family, self-awareness, consequences, and forgiveness.   

book-review, books, Family Drama, literature, Middle Eastern, read around the world, reading

A Golden Age by Tahmima Anam

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What would you do to be with your children?

This is the central question that Rehana Haque is faced with when widowed in East Pakistan.

The story opens with Rehana, freshly widowed, losing custody of her children to her brother and sister-in-law, who take them thousands of miles away from her. We learn that she will need more money to persuade the courts that she can care for them on her own.

Fast forward, we join a gathering of the 10th celebration of the children’s return to their mother. The children, son Sohail and daughter Maya are now university students. Rehana was able to get her children back, even though she never remarried. She was able to build a small home behind her large one, and rented the bigger home to a Hindi family. She built a community of women around her, and was comfortable and caring to others.   

The world around them is also changing. The elected Bengali official Sheikh Mujibur Rahman is arrested and barred from taking office by West Pakistani Punjabi and Pathans. A massacre was led by the West Pakistani to decimate the Bengali community they looked down on. Scores are forced to flee. This is when Rehana’s tenants allow their religious community onto the property to be safe from the massacre. Rehana – a non-Bengali originally from India – unhesitatingly opened her arms, and her limited resources, to make sure these refugees are feed.  

The arrest leads to students – including Maya and Sohail – joining the revolution. Sohail sees his mother’s love and undying devotion to him and requests her help for the rebels. She allows them to bring ammunition and people to stay and train in her yard. She gathers her friends to make blankets from silk saris for the rebels. She does all she can, without real thought to her safety, but always for her children’s. After a detonation that severely injured a rebel general, Sohail brings him to his mother for safety. Soon after, Maya is sent to Calcutta to write press releases for the movement and help at refugee camps.

As Rehana helps the general heal from his wounds, she finds herself attracted to him. She opens herself and shares her secrets of how far she has gone to protect her children. At this time, Sohail again asks his mother for intervention to gain the release of a man that married the girl Sohail loved. Rehana, unable to deny her child anything, goes to her brother and requests help. The tortured man she brings home, however, sickens her to what had been done to people. She flees to go to Maya. While there she ministers to those in the refugee camps, especially her former tenant’s wife.

Through all Rehana’s actions, she has been finding her voice, her desires, and her own strength. While this is a tale of a woman alone standing for herself, she also represents the spirit of Bangladesh. As the country is starting out, they too need to learn of their voice and strength. What both Rehana and Bangladesh will do for their children is almost anything. It is that love and understanding by everyone – those that sacrifice and those that are sacrificed – that brings about independence.  

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A woman is no man

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A woman is no man by Etaf Rum

Regardless of what religion or nationality, there is a universal truth – women are victims of violence.

In too many cultures women are not valued for anything other than to cook, clean and procreate. This is true in middle-eastern, eastern and western civilizations. These is no corner of this earth that has not been dominated by men, and women are taught on some level of consciousness that they are inferior. There are cultures that adhere more to this belief, and enforce this rigorously. The number of women that are being beaten each day into submission is staggering. The fact that is it accepted as normal and supported by other women is a sad truth to how far the lessons of low worth are ingrained to the communities. This remains true, regardless of the work women have been making in the last century. Books like The Pearl That Broke its Shell, Big Little Lies, Girl on the Train, Black and Blue, and so many more continue to tell these tales. These books cover the world (Afghanistan, Australia, England, and United Stated) and are only a small sample of a much broader and enduring problem. Etaf Rum’s A Woman Is No Man is the story of a Palestinian woman’s life in these circumstances.

In Palestine, an Arab girl named Isra is brought up in her mother’s kitchen, learning to cook and clean. At 17 she is married to a man she meets once and is take to America – Brooklyn – to be his wife. With no money, no connections, and not able to leave the house unaccompanied, Isra works to ensure she does not besmirch her family’s name by doing what is expected.

As the story unfolds, it alternates between Isra’s voice and her daughter Deya’s 18 years later. Deya is about to graduate high school and her grandmother, who is raising her after her parents die in a car accident, is insisting she make a match so she will not continue to be a burden to the family, as girls always are.  Deya receives a letter with a card to contact a familiar figure that she can’t place. As Deya’s quest to find answers brings more questions, we are all faced with the limitations of what we set on ourselves as options.

As the story progresses, we learn of Isra’s fading hopes for love and connection and of the growing violence against her by her husband, of her growing despair and depression, and of her mother in law’s insistence that bruises be covered from other’s eyes. We also learn of Deya’s memories of her mother’s sadness and of her fears that not all was right, of Deya’s fear of being pushed into marriage and inability to continue to learn.

We learn that Deya doesn’t share her memories with her younger sisters to save them from pain. We also learn of other secrets that are kept that are meant to reduce other’s perceived pain.  We learn of choices made in the hope of saving face, in the hope of protecting others, in the hope of convincing yourself, in the hope of being loved.

In the end, we are all exposed for doing these things. Are we complicit if we don’t act against it? How often are we afraid that our actions will make things worse? Or that we are overreacting to something that was not as it seemed.  Etaf Rum has pulled the curtains back on what is largely unspoken inside and outside the Palestinian culture – in the US and abroad. The courage to write of this taboo topic and shameful reality of too many from every background reminds us that by not finding our own voice, question our choices, and think through consequences, the result will perpetuate the pain for others. We must not be complicit in allowing this to continue. We must find the strength to break the cycle of violence. 

book-review, books, Family Drama, Middle Eastern, read around the world, reading

The world of Henna makes a mark

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Henna House / Yemen

Set in 1920’s Yemen, this is a story of a small but distinctive Jewish community in Yemen. There is a law called the Orphan’s Decree – if a Jewish child’s father passes away, even if there are other relatives, the government can take them away and place them in a Muslim home to be converted immediately. This law has stolen many children, and marriage arrangements for children as young as 2 have been made in order to try to prevent this from happening. It is in this world that we are introduced to Adela, the youngest girl in a Jewish family with a father seriously ill.  Adela’s mother, who beats her regularly, delayed the search for a suitable match, but at the age of 6, a high ranking official in the government has made it clear that he wants to take her as a present for his wife.

When Adela father’s condition worsens, the task is undertaken. After three failed engagements, Adela is considered “cursed” as tragedy befell all that agreed. Her father’s long lost brother arrives with his son Asaf in tow. An engagement is arranged. The child Adela begins to allow herself to fall in love with her betrothed. Her adoration of Asaf was mixed with confusion of his hiding his ritual side hair in order to ride horses, something forbidden by law for Jews.  The uncle and Asaf leave abruptly to seek greater fortune, with no goodbyes. 

Another uncle falls from grace and arrives with his family. He was a wealthy merchant that came to folly because of superstition over his wife, a famous Henna artist. It was rumored that she caused a woman to die because of the charms she wrote in the henna art that was drawn before a wedding. This brought the two families together and provided a sister for Adela. They became inseparable. Adela learns the Henna art over years of helping her aunt and cousin, which introduces her to a greater world outside her village. Marriage comes to the girls, and things that drew them together now pull them apart. Jealousy and deceit create pain for the entire family.

The lives of the two cousins represent the choices that Jews of that time were making – do you leave your home village, forsake the heritage you were brought up in and build a new fortune, or do you cling to the old ways while you build a future uniquely your own? Each avenue leads to peril, but some stories should not have ended the way they did.   

Henna is a way to create beauty for someone’s life. It is a celebration. When it is used for other things, then the magic can take on darker meanings. To mark someone with pain is to write your own tragedy. To receive the painful message on your skin may seem temporary, but the marks will remain forever. In order to release herself from the power of the henna, Adela wrote her own story. It is a story of emerging from a life that was existing in the past and arriving in a future that no one ever expected. Leaving the village in Yemen, where running water did not exist, and emerging from the dessert in Palestine at the dawn of a new country in the matter of months was as jarring as the reality that the Hani, her cousin found in Europe. 

The story, while slow to unfold, follows the speed of life in Yemen. The resolution and revelations near the end speed up as Yemen and Adela are thrust into modern times. The language is beautiful, and like a henna this left a mark. Family can be both salvation and destruction. Ultimately, the choices each girl makes leads them to their own futures.

book-review, literature, Middle Eastern, read around the world

Three Daughters of Eve by Elif Shafak

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There are spoilers here, but I tried to keep them to a minimum.  This book was translated from Turkish.  While many times a book can lose something in translation, I was amazed that I felt no stilt or stumble along the way that happens in so many translated works.  This was an amazing story that unfolded in surprising and extraordinary ways.  Well worth the read. 

This story starts off in a way that does not prepare you for its depth.  It is modern Istanbul and the country is simmering in the duality of the world -– is it Secular or Religious? Rich or Poor? East or West?  A woman is driving her daughter through the city which teems around them as they are stuck in traffic.  This woman, Peri, uncharacteristically leaves her bag in the back seat of her car, and it is stolen.  Also uncharacteristically, she runs after the thief to retrieve it.  As she runs through the alleys of Istanbul, she is faced with the dark underside of the city.  She is wounded, and almost raped, but is able to survive with only a knife wound to her hand, and a photo from another lifetime.    Peri then returns to the car with her daughter, drives on to her original destination – a dinner party with the elite of Turkey.

You will not be aware until you have finished the story, that this is a metaphor for her life. 

The story is told starting now, and flashing back to Peri’s history.  With a bit more told each time, the woman becomes more visible.  Her mother, a religious woman, believes that there is darkness in Peri’s soul, and Peri had not faced it in years before she was following the child that stole her bag.  It is this darkness that has led Peri to live between her mother and her father, non-religious, that fight each other for everything.  Peri has spent her life being conflicted because she didn’t want to take sides, even if she was leaning toward her father’s.  He had placed all his hopes for the future of the family on her going to Oxford.  Peri was successful in getting there.

Once there, however, she continued to remain outside everything.  Her suite mate, a fully assimilated woman from Iran, suggested that Peri take a lecture with Professor Azur on Gd.  Initially not interested, she warms to the idea.  Once accepted to the selective seminar, the challenges that Azur puts in front of her continue to perplex her.  Another woman Peri befriended in the college, Mona, a religious Egyptian, joined her in the class.  The suite mate, Shirin, ended up convincing them all to live together.  All along, Peri was warned by some that Azur thought he was Gd, and Shirin who swore he was.  Throughout the story, you see the twists and turns of the pathways of Peri’s mind, just like the pathways she ran after her purse.  The wound on her hand continued off and on to bleed and throb, just like Peri’s emotions.  The duality of choices, to be or not, and the reality of Peri’s which was in the middle, are reflected throughout the country, and even within all the people at the party.  As Peri is faced with inquiring minds that hear she went to Oxford, she speaks out for herself, timid at first.  She reviews and revisits the past during this dinner, and she comes to a conclusion.  She asks her mother for a phone number.  Once dialed, she faces the first of many steps toward reconciling herself.  At the end of the call Shirin tells Peri to call Azur.  Peri, during this phone conversation, had been hiding in a hall.  She then hears and sees masked men enter the house, and she hides in the closet behind her.  In the blink of an eye, she calls Azur, and hears he is not angry.  She then begins a seminar on Gd, teaching the teacher.  As the power runs out on the phone, Peri stands and opens the door.  She is finally ready to come out of the closet, figuratively and metaphorically, to face her destiny.  She is no longer hiding from herself or anyone else.

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Chronicle of a last summer

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As the summer of 2019 draws to an end, there is much in the world that has not changed in the last 30 years, and yet there is also much that has changed.  One place where this is most evident is in the Middle East.  Conflicts there go back millenniums.  In the cradle of civilization – Egypt – there is a long history of rulers and those that overthrow them.  The monuments built to honor these rulers are a never ending source of fascination and discovery.

Modern Egypt, however, has had its own struggles.  Since the British came to install a monarchy there have been struggles between those in power and those that are not.  If you have not read The Palace Walk by Mahfouz, you truly need to.  His descriptions of the household take me back to those that Henry James wrote in his novels – with the position of the shades helping to illustrate the manners of those that inhabit the home.

In this month’s Horizon’s challenge to read something from Egypt, I therefore picked Chronicles of a Past Summer by Yasmine El Rashidi. An Egyptian author, this is another book that was translated to English. Although at times I felt that the translation was a bit flat in tone, the story was so compelling that I remained dwelling on this for days.  The story is told by a woman who grows up through the book.  You are never given her name.  At the start she is 6 years old and Sadat had just been murdered.  Her father has disappeared, and her mother sits on the phone talking in foreign languages so she doesn’t understand what is being said.  The girl sits with her mother in front of the TV with 3 channels, all muted.  There is only state run programs, and they are only available for parts of the day.  The power is cut off for at least one hour a day, and the summer has been hotter than she has ever experienced.  She is living in the home her mother grew up in, with her grandmother and aunt (Nesma) living downstairs.  Nesma has downs syndrome and must be cared for. She was hidden away in the house and the family did not speak of her much.  Her grandmother, however, had people streaming in and out of the apartment, which was filled with food, conversation and debates.  This is a metaphor for the country.  While there are people invited in to celebrate all that is good, there remains parts of the country that are closed off to others who must speak the proper language to get what they need or want. It appears that the mother’s family was connected to Sadat, and when the Brotherhood murders him, there is great turmoil in who will take over.  The girl, however, does not ask questions or understands much, and simply goes with the flow of the tide.

After a time we return to the girl, now in college.  The downstairs part of the house has been closed off, as the grandmother and Nesma have died – the old and innocent ways are now gone.  She begins to see things around her. Her cousin Dido meets with her often, speaking of politics and trying to get the girl to write a book about what is happening.  She is not as convinced, since she is still learning what her voice is. They drift apart as he becomes more strident in his protests against the government. He wants the overthrow of President Mubarak.  There is now tv that runs all day long, but there are still cutoffs happening to the power.  There are discussions on how Nasser – the first revolutionary in modern times, was idealistic, but made mistakes by promising to give away things. That sapped the desire to work, and corrupted others into just hustling to not pay for anything.

More time goes, and the girl is now in Graduate School.  She has lost touch with Dido because she was not as passionate about speaking out as he is. Her father returns home with no explanation. She begins to film documentaries. As she spends more time with her father, he begins to explain that the more things change the more they stay the same.  Another leader promising better futures, and the delivery of those promises are not achievable, or can even be detrimental. Anything to move them forward. The power cuts still come, but now for about one hour a day. Dido is in jail and will pay the full price for his dissidence.

In the last section of the book, the girl, now older again, has come to the conclusion that there is a cycle of hope and disillusionment that they are caught up in. It keeps circling and repeating itself. It will not stop if you are silent, nor if you speak. We just keep the record playing until there is a scratch that does not allow for the same thing to continue.  That typically means another revolution is on its way.

 

 

 

 

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There is no place like home

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I have been reading many books that have been translated this year.  I have found that my reactions to the translation can impact the experience of the book.  I find that especially on books translated from middle eastern languages.  With this in mind, I started reading Homesick by Eshkol Nevo.

This book was designed to switch from perspective to perspective, with no indication of the point of view until you read the words.  The characters here represent different sections of Israeli society.  The community that the story is focused on is made up of Jewish immigrants from Kurdistan that settled there after the war of 1948, when the Arabs living there abandoned the village. Moshe and Sima are a couple that struggles with the pressure of being religious Jews.  Yotam lost his older brother in the conflicts, and his parents are lost in grief.  Noa and Avram have travelled around the world in search of themselves.  As each of these families go about struggling through their lives, unaware that they are settled where a village used to be.  Saddiq, who’s family owned the land for centuries under Turkish rule, is now working in the village building a new house.

Throughout this, Avram’s friend is writing him, talking of love, adventure and more. As the story concludes, the community that is built helps define what it means to be home, with all its various meanings.

Even with the translation, the language is compelling and thought provoking.  I recommended this book.

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Does peace have a chance?

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The topic of death is as old as we are. Death can be quite, loud, soft or hard. It is especially hard when it comes in the aftermath of a battle or war.  Eras are defined then by what is said about them when it is all done. The scars are deep, and as always, the artists and writers are the ones that are able to communicate the worlds of before, during and after.  I have explored this before, but I return to this after I read Death is Hard Work by Khaled Khalifa.

The plot of the book is simple enough:  a father dies after extracting a promise from his eldest son. That promise is that the son, known as Bolbol, will take his father to be buried in his home town, next to his sister.  In normal times this would not be a large request.  Difficulties abound in Damascus, where Abdel Latif died of old age amid the chaos of the dead from the Syrian civil war.  Bolbol enlists his siblings, Hussein and Fatima to help. From the outset there was reluctance to do this, because it could be fatal to attempt, but they grudgingly come together.  They are forced to take the body from the morgue and transport it via Hussein’s minibus because there was no other way. As the three children come together, we begin to learn their personal stories, as well as the father’s.

There are many ways to interpret the story and the characters.  The body of the idealistic, harsh, and dead father is the death of the ideals of what war was based upon. The condition of the body, and the absurdity that it goes through can only be a statement on the beliefs of any group.  As time wages on, the idealism falls to power grabs and pure greed, with the ideals rotting from within. The same is true of the body – and all that come near are assaulted by the smell, but let it pass.  It is before it begins to decay that the military try to arrest the dead man.

The two brother’s stories were sad in that each tried their own way, and each ended up alone. One went out to find riches and power, and became a glorified runner for a gang.  The other was too afraid to search for riches, so lived his life to keep others away, living in a world of his own making in his mind. Both were trying to be on their own outside the family, but being drawn back in as they got closer to Anabiya.  Their sister, Fatima, was the least drawn out character. Her Aunt Layla wanted to continue to learn, but was promised in marriage instead. She warned them that she would rather set herself on fire than marry, and she did set herself aflame on the roof just before the marriage was to take place. She was buried alone and was a stain on the family’s name. Fatima came on the journey and was mistreated by Hussein, ignored when she fretted over the condition of the body, and ultimately rendered mute by the end of the journey. The statement that this makes on the journey of women is overwhelming. We have gone from being ignored of what we say and having that be a stigma on the family name, to not even being able to speak.  This is underlined in the book that the closer they got to the family home, the more she was asked to cover up.  So much so that Abdel Latif is ultimately not buried next to his sister because others felt she should be forgotten, even when she was not.

The concept of revenge means that the anger is never done – the blood will continue to flow.  Just as the rabid dogs try to get the decaying body, those rabid followers of the ideas will never stop now that they have tasted blood.

As a statement on the possibility of peace, this story is not one that I enjoyed. It was, I believe, an indictment on the state that the Middle East, and other areas of the world. Until the need for revenge and the taste of blood is not needed, this absurdity will continue.

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Humanity seen through A Woman in Jerusalem by A.B. Yehoshua

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A woman is killed in Jerusalem by a terrorist attack.

No one comes forward that someone was missing.

A paystub was found, and a journalist contacted the business owner to question his humanity.

The owner – in his 80s, became enraged that his humanity was questioned. He demands his Human Resource Manager find out who she was.

He is told to cancel on taking care of his daughter, as promised to his ex-wife that night.  The Office Manager is sent instead.

The HR Manager goes to his office, demanding his secretary come back to the office to help find the paperwork on the person. She is forced to bring her baby, which the HR Manager cares for while she searches.

The personnel file is found. The HR Manager had written notes. She was an electrical engineer in her home country but wanted to work. She was brought on as a cleaner who requested the night shift for extra pay.

Was the task done? No.  Off they march to the bakery to speak with the supervisor.

Turns out that after being accused by the secretary and questioned by the HR Manager, the initial story of her being fired but mistakenly left on the payroll was found untrue. The supervisor admits that he had lusted for this woman, who was too smart and beautiful to be near him or in this type of job. He sent her home while still being paid, so he didn’t have to be tempted by her. Thus no one realized she had not come to work, because she was not expected

When the HR Manager reports to the Owner all this, it appears that he has been told everything. He then asks the HR Manager to take the woman back to her son and mother in the old country to be buried. The trials that they go through, including almost poisoning himself to death, get him to the woman’s home town, only to be questioned why the woman had not been buried in Jerusalem where she had moved to.

The parallels to the Israeli society here are too obvious to miss.  One woman unclaimed meant no one had any humanity. When investigating, they find that she was not the woman they thought she was – not just a cleaning woman but a mother, daughter, lover, and engineer.  She may not have been Jewish, but the orthodox family that gave her housing also gave her a Hebrew name. And through all of these twists, it appears the old man seems to be aware of all these pieces as the HR Manager just discovers it.

The humanity of Israeli society is being questioned daily, both internally and in the press.  Every person, be them Jewish or not, has a reason for wanting to be “going home” to Jerusalem, as the woman’s mother states.  To assume that they would not want to die there and stay is foolhardy. We each need to cleanse ourselves fully to realize this folly – our humanity must always guide us and cannot just be apologized away. Until there is a way found back for all, we should all be questioning our humanity/

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A Place for Us by Fatima Farheen Mirza

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A family is complex in many ways. This is a story of a Muslim couple that came to the US as newlyweds, created a family within their community and sought to pass on the things they felt were important to keeping their children safe and successful within that community.

Told from different family voices, this starts with a daughter’s wedding. Amar, the only son, has been estranged from the family, but you don’t know why at this point. The story goes through the past, with different views of the same situations they have gone through. Starting with Layla, the mother, and then going through each of the children’s stories and reactions, and ending with the father’s. Due to this being a Muslim based family, this is an interesting order.  This puts the voices of women up front first, something that is unexpected due to the typical roles in that society that exist.

THE FOLLOWING CONTAINS SPOILERS TO THE STORY.  PLEASE STOP IF YOU DON”T WANT TO KNOW WHAT HAPPENS BEFORE YOU READ IT – AND I SUGGEST YOU LET IT UNFOLD IN THE MANNER IT WAS WRITTEN.

 

 

 

The first story is Layla’s. You learn of the hardships of leaving her country to follow the man her parents selected for her to marry. She portrays herself as someone that was obedient, did as she was told, and kept to the back of the line. She details how she has grown personally, going from being afraid to be close her own drapes when her husband started to travel for work to creating a cohesive unit that functioned well without Rafiq, her husband. She speaks of the tension and fear that the children have of him, and how she kept information from him, especially about Amar. There were references to going to school to be told by the teachers that he was trouble, even held back in school because he wouldn’t do the work. He was stubborn beyond what she had ever seen, and it was worse against Rafiq. He was painting his nails with his sister, and cooking with his mother.  This led me to believe he was gay and the end was going be because his father threw him out.

Haida’s story is about how she had been his best confidant. Amar had always looked to her to help him. She was the smart sister, the protector sister, the one that kept his secrets.  As her story unfolds, however, it is apparent that she was in competition for her father’s attention. She was given her grandfather’s watch – something that should have been passed father to son, as it had to Rafiq. She was marrying in a love match, not an arranged marriage. She did, however, do the full Indian wedding. He was not from the community, but the parents accepted him. This led me to believe that the father was beating Amar, but he probably was not gay.

Huda, the second sister, was the one that could get him do to things. She did keep information from Amar about his secret love, undermining him in different ways.  This led me to believe that there was something going on with Amar.

Amar’s story unfolds with how he was afraid of his father, struggled with his faith. He went against his community by speaking with a girl, falling in love with her. He had been smoking and drinking, but tried to give up this for her. When the girl’s parents find out, they forbid her from seeing him. The pain makes him seek anything that will take the pain away. The girl is at the wedding, and they sneak off to talk. He tells of his drug use, showing the pin prick scars from the needles. She tells Amar that his mother was the one who told her parents. A drunk Amar confronts his mother at the wedding, making a mess. This led me to believe that it was the mother that ruined things, and the father supported her.

Then the father’s story.  The man that everyone was afraid of.  He was orphaned at the age of 16, when his mother died, and only 13 when his father passed away. Rafiq wanted to be a good father, but was open about how many mistakes he made.  He was tough on Amar, hoping to give him the motivation to strive for something to be successful, all within the community and faith he was passing down. It was Rafiq who discovered the drug needles, even though Haida had taken the drugs from him before. It was Rafiq who knew about the love affair, that didn’t put a stop to it because the thought it was good for Amar, even if he knew it would end in heartbreak. Rafiq supported his daughters to being a successful doctor and a successful teacher.  He supported them that Haida selected her own husband, and Huda did also – one from within and one not from their Muslim community. This provides significant context for the family, and the “blame” game shifts significantly to the mother.

As the story kept unfolding, the complexity of who was “at fault” completely turned on its head. Each story justifies each person’s actions and reactions. With family, there is never a clear cut black and white answer to anything. Each action and statement comes with a lifetime of perceptions and experiences from the point of view of the speaker. The underlying faith throughout – that there is one G-d and that G-d is great is always there.  It is that that carries us all through.

This is a story of a family, struggling to know each other’s hearts as they grow to find their own place in the world. Just like any other family in the world.